SingulariT

Changes

Good changes. The best kind.

You get to work, work, and never think.

You get so busy that you don’t have the time to be sad or to remember anything. Remembering is human and everything human makes you weak.

Being human is easy. Your pupils would go dilated, you would laugh, or smile, or cry. You would make friends, and you would waste your time on useless activities.

You’d be human, and everything would go downhill from there. You’d fall on your neck, your wings would break, and so will every other part of your body, and so will every other part of your soul.

We only learn this the hard way. We learn everything the hard way. Naive trash.

–

Being a machine is apparently not as bad as you thought it was. You didn’t want to be one for so long, but you also didn’t know that it feels satisfying and looks perfect, just like everything you’ve ever wanted.

It’s just like sweeping everything under the rug.

It’s just like sweeping yourself under the rug; snuffing out that annoying candle that’s been flickering in your peripheral vision all day.

Being a machine is reaping and reaping, not sparing any, not waiting long enough to look at any.

And you, you’re flawed and weak. You were made to reap so, reap on. Do the only thing you can’t feel yourself existing while you do.

Work, work, and never think.

This way, there’d be no time to be sad because sadness is a waste of time. Emotion is a waste of time. People are a waste of time.

But you, you are a waste of time and space.

–

“Fuck your time if it’s affecting your health.”
“Well, fuck my health if it’s going to affect my future.”

Have you ever believed in something so hard even though you knew it wasn’t true? Even though it only hurt you? Was your reason that it’s the only thing that killed everything you hated about yourself?

Have you ever wanted to believe in anything different but failed miserably because you were always being put down by everything, everyone, and yourself?

I hope these changes can change you, too. You’re extremely hard to live with.

–

Walk, walk, walk.

Walk even if your legs feel like a short pair of sticks, and even if the earth keeps trying to swallow your feet. Because then, it’s only trying, and you’ll never let it.

Walking matters now more than ever. Walking is your weapon, and your only friend. Don’t forget that your wings are now over, and that they’re not coming back.

“Don’t stop. March on.”

No one cares, and no one is going to wait for you once you’ve fallen out of the flock. When one flies, they never care what’s going on below them because there’s plenty of space up there. You know this because you’ve seen it yourself, but you shouldn’t be hoping to go back up, you don’t belong there any more.

You don’t belong in the sky, nor in the ocean. You don’t even belong on the ground, you still have to look out for rocks and trees you may run into, animals that want to make your their next meal, and the mushy earth that’s trying to swallow you legs first.

The trees don’t love you, nor do the flowers. You get to love everything, and everyone, but getting love for yourself is impossible because you’re not worthy.

The ground, for now, is the safest of all.

Walk, walk, walk.

But don’t let the earth swallow you.

–

I won’t say you’re completely safe here, but it doesn’t matter. We both know that you don’t want to survive, you only want to stop thinking.

I know how you wouldn’t mind surviving, but you don’t want it as strongly as you wish something that’s not your own mistakes would just finish you off.

Is it even your right to wish to survive? What have you done to deserve it?

–

You need to stop thinking, kid. You need to stop ruining things in this utterly disgusting way of yours. Don’t interfere and everything is going to be fine.

You need to stop feeling, kid. You’re too much sticky emotion, it sickens me.

It sickens everyone who comes across you.

–

I am glad to tell you that with those changes, you have it all.

You have all you need to sedate these thoughts and send them into a long enough slumber of their own; maybe long enough for you to fix one single thing of everything you have destroyed.

I hope they die, the thoughts. I hope you die, too.

I know you do.

–

It’s okay if you keep existing a bit longer, you know. It’s fine, as long as you’re not hurting anyone but yourself.

You are aware of how wrong all of this is, you are aware of how wrong you are.

And yet, you still keep going. But I understand because I’m doing just the same. We can handle you some more. We can handle me some more, too.

–

I may be looking for hope, or for a meaning in you… and I have a strong feeling that I’m not going to find any.

But I hope I’m wrong.

I cry every single day hoping I’m wrong.

I wish you didn’t exist, but I guess I still can live with you a little longer.

Maybe you’d change, or maybe I’d change. I just hope any of this works, or that you can find your way. You have to use those changes for yourself.

I hope you surprise me like you always did… I’m not sure you can any more. I would be lying if I said that I believe in you.

Iif you don’t, it’s fine. I don’t care. You’re small. The world goes on with or without you, everyone’s world, even yours. And that, that is the best part. You never get to feel bad for others, only for yourself.

I am tired of you. Do you have any meaning or do you plan to remain a shadow forever?

–

It’s okay. All the changes are here. They are here.

Work, work, and never think.

Time will pass, and you will, too.

–

Sister

Dear Sanity,

I hope you’re feeling well. How are you? And how is Adam, and the kids? Make sure to hug them tightly for me… I can’t wait to come back in winter and hug them for myself. Please tell them that their aunt misses them, big time.

I am sorry I haven’t replied to your last letter. I know it’s been a whole year since we last talked, but, I have not been able to reach out, forgive me.

I need to tell you that all this time, I’ve been stuck in a really weird place. Here, we have literal lakes of shadows, in which you have to take a swim at least once a day. If you don’t get your swim on any given day, you’ll find your skin melting or falling off. Of course shadow swims have some side effects but, it’s what everyone here is doing to stay alive.

The sun also doesn’t come up daily like in other parts of the world, you know… We get to spend entire days, weeks, and sometimes even months, in utter darkness. Some fun, right?

However, now I can say that it’s much better. The sunny days are here, the trees are growing again, and they’re growing so fast that I can barely keep track of how tall they’re actually becoming in such a short time… You know, it’s weird how we cut trees to stunt their growth but, they only end up getting taller… I find it really interesting. I really love my trees, too. I’ll tell you about them and each one’s name when I see you.

Being here and working like that is not easy, I’m telling you. On some days it’d be nothing, on others it’s just a loose thread, but on some certain, really unlucky days, the entire fabric goes undone, and the work of months just goes to waste.

I miss you. I never thought I’d say that but, I feel very lonely here, actually. I can’t wait to come back, even if it’s only for a very short time… I miss you all so much. I miss being heard and understood, and I miss feeling like I fit and belong somewhere. I hope you guys are waiting for me as much as I’m waiting to be with you. Pray for me. I am so very tired of suffering alone. I really hope all of this is over soon.

I hope you weren’t worried by how long I was gone, though. Winter is only coming closer, and I’ll be home soon. Next time we talk, we’ll be discussing Christmas carols and baking cookies… I hope.

Until then, I will just keep missing you all. Looking forward to hearing from you!

With all the love in the world.
You sister,
Madness.

Pirouette

Swift and tranquil,
Quiet and steady.
The footsteps of a ghost
Gliding on a stage.

Days on an apple.
Spinning away.
“It makes me feel lighter!”
Is all you would say.

As light as a falling feather,
But not so steady.
A soundless thud breaks
The floor of your cage.

Is it getting harder?
You’re not getting weaker.
You need to get lighter.
Your shape is what speaks.

Hide in your chapel.
Make up more ways
To stick to your rigour,
Perpetual motion, and endless hunger.

To check your silhouette.
To check your silhouette.
Even if you no longer
Can hold one pirouette.

On a mirror, on a wall,
Smaller… smaller… small.
Until the opaque part fades,
And light can shine through.

Until you altogether
Can fade too.

~♥~

常にあなたが思うように見えるとは限りません。

Death

‘Falling hurts.’ I thought as I struggled to overcome the numbing pain in my back and get up. It’s been about two days, and I could still feel the blood running down my back. I also knew it wasn’t going to stop any time soon.

Once you got your wings ripped, they’ll take at least two weeks in earth time to grow back. And instead of the white feathers you’re used to, the ones that grow back are always pitch black.

Once you got your wings ripped, you’ll also bleed like a mortal, or even a bit more. I’ve never seen blood before today, and the amount that was coming out of me was surprising. I had no idea I had that much liquid inside me… Well, I didn’t have any until I fell.

I didn’t know that being down with the fallen was so close and easy. I usually saw it happening with others but, I never thought it was so easy, I never thought it was so easy that I’d become one of the fallen.

I never thought it was so easy that I’d go from an archangel to this in a blink of an eye.

I sat on a big rock next to a lake and just stared into the emptiness of the forest, trying to ignore the feeling of pain, a feeling, like every other feeling, I have never felt before I came to earth.

A rustling sound startled me, and I started looking around. Out of nowhere, I found a small squirrel standing just in front of my rock. He had soft fur all over him and he was so tiny it made me feel giant. I have never closely seen a squirrel before. I smiled. Maybe being condemned to earth wasn’t that awful, after all.

I extended my hand to touch the squirrel because it looked so soft, but it ran away. Before I realized it, I found myself going after the small creature.

It went behind one of the trees, and I followed. I saw the squirrel climbing the tree, but I saw on the ground what caught my attention. There was another squirrel, but it was barely moving. Its body was twitching and seeming already lifeless as it took its last breaths.

I extended my hand and touched the creature’s soft, furry belly. I felt an emotion, and I decided that I had to get on with the whole ‘feeling things’ ordeal, because it didn’t seem like I was getting out of earth any time soon.

Everything slowed down when I touched the creature’s belly and in a moment, the small thing jumped back up and ran away, terrified.

“What are you doing here? You’re getting in the way, kid!” I heard a voice coming from the top of the tree. I looked up and there, dressed in a flowy black cloak and holding a very big scythe, stood another fallen angel.

“I just followed this squirrel and-“

“Yeah, you brought it back to life. I was trying to reap its soul, and you should have been, too.” said the fallen, giving me a smile that didn’t feel so nice to receive.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, I just came here two days ago.” I motioned to my back.

“Yes, I noticed your wings. Seems like I just found the fifth reaper.”

“Reaper?” I asked in confusion.

An expression of sympathy flashed across the fallen’s face for a split second before they spoke. “Yes, a grim reaper, just like me, and three more present in this world. When you fall, you’re bound to be assigned to a task on earth. And you, my friend, were assigned the job of a grim reaper, which explains why you could bring that squirrel back to life.”

“A task?” I asked, surprised. Why did none of the elders tell me about any of that during my condemnation?

“It’s clear that you were an archangel and, if you’re one, chances are you’re going to end up as a grim reaper. That is because reapers are higher than demons and the rest of the fallen.” The other fallen continued.

“But… don’t reapers only make things die? I just unintentionally made that thing jump and run away!”

The fallen sucked their teeth, seeming a bit annoyed at me. “First off, you need a scythe to make things die. Secondly, I was in the process of making it die, yes, but you got in the way. You know, as long as they’re not fully dead, We can make things go back to life, but why would we use that when our job is to reap souls?”

“Don’t you ever need to?” I asked.

“Also, if that thing is a human, you lose a part of your soul in return. No immortal would like to give up a part of their immortality for a human that’s bound to die sooner or later, you know.” they continued, ignoring my question.

I nodded, still trying to figure out why they were keeping that conversation going as they seemed clearly uninterested in whatever I had to say back.

“So, what was your sin?” they asked all of a sudden.

“Huh?”

“Why have you been condemned to earth? Mine was Pride…”

I frowned “Why would you like to know?”

“No reason,” they shrugged. “Anyways, have fun. Once you’re healed you’ll get an invitation to receive your scythe, and you’ll get to know everything. Welcome on board, Death.”

And with that, they disappeared.

Death.

This was the first time I’ve been called on earth and by rule, that meant that “Death” was going to be my name as long as I’m here.

Not so bad.

~♥~

Icing

The big room was dark, only slightly illuminated by the projector they were using to present whatever they thought we needed to know. I was starting to feel bored and amid the huge number of people, I felt unusually tiny and out of place. I sat at the very left of one of the most back rows, pretending to be paying attention.

“…Also, we’re having cake today! Has anyone here made a cake before?” my ear caught the presenter’s voice asking.

My arm shot up in the air before I could stop it. I had no idea whether he actually wanted someone to answer, but weirdly enough, I found him passing me a microphone. The only thing I was thankful for, was that my arm’s whims weren’t making me look like an idiot.

“What’s your name? Are you new?” He asked.

“I’m Stella. Um, yes.” I struggled to say. I could feel my hands getting clammy already.

“You say you’ve made cakes before, right?” I nodded. “Tell us about the last cake you made!” He sounded oddly cheerful, too cheerful that I could see right through it.

I thought I was going to struggle to answer that by to my own surprise, I found myself excitedly blurting out lots of nonsense about my latest adventure with cake icing, alas, in the most embarrassing way possible.

“It was a cake I made for my small sister’s birthday. I used colorful icing, which I made by mixing food coloring with white icing… I had green, red, yellow, and purple, and I used them to make flowers on the cake after making the whole cake purple… That was the first time I ever used food coloring, I now think it’s really nice, it’s just like paint!” I blurted out.

‘Stella, you damn moron, this is a science school, not the Golden Raisin club gathering!’ Inner me scolded harshly.

“Well, we can’t wait for you to make us a cake next time!” said the guy, intending to sound funny and failing miserably. Me, on the other hand, I wanted to shoot myself in the head. I felt too uncomfortable already and it was sad because I thought it was going to be a nice day.

By the time the encounter was over, I realized that my cheeks felt really hot and I actually felt dizzy. I felt so embarrassed that I just wanted to leave the room and puke or something.

Luckily enough, I didn’t. The night went just fine. I spent time with my new friends, flew a sky lantern, and then went home happily with a bunch of blue and white balloons and a warm memory to keep. I was thankful.

However, I promised myself to never, ever, talk again.

~♥~