Changes

Good changes. The best kind.

You get to work, work, and never think.

You get so busy that you don’t have the time to be sad or to remember anything. Remembering is human and everything human makes you weak.

Being human is easy. Your pupils would go dilated, you would laugh, or smile, or cry. You would make friends, and you would waste your time on useless activities.

You’d be human, and everything would go downhill from there. You’d fall on your neck, your wings would break, and so will every other part of your body, and so will every other part of your soul.

We only learn this the hard way. We learn everything the hard way. Naive trash.

–

Being a machine is apparently not as bad as you thought it was. You didn’t want to be one for so long, but you also didn’t know that it feels satisfying and looks perfect, just like everything you’ve ever wanted.

It’s just like sweeping everything under the rug.

It’s just like sweeping yourself under the rug; snuffing out that annoying candle that’s been flickering in your peripheral vision all day.

Being a machine is reaping and reaping, not sparing any, not waiting long enough to look at any.

And you, you’re flawed and weak. You were made to reap so, reap on. Do the only thing you can’t feel yourself existing while you do.

Work, work, and never think.

This way, there’d be no time to be sad because sadness is a waste of time. Emotion is a waste of time. People are a waste of time.

But you, you are a waste of time and space.

–

“Fuck your time if it’s affecting your health.”
“Well, fuck my health if it’s going to affect my future.”

Have you ever believed in something so hard even though you knew it wasn’t true? Even though it only hurt you? Was your reason that it’s the only thing that killed everything you hated about yourself?

Have you ever wanted to believe in anything different but failed miserably because you were always being put down by everything, everyone, and yourself?

I hope these changes can change you, too. You’re extremely hard to live with.

–

Walk, walk, walk.

Walk even if your legs feel like a short pair of sticks, and even if the earth keeps trying to swallow your feet. Because then, it’s only trying, and you’ll never let it.

Walking matters now more than ever. Walking is your weapon, and your only friend. Don’t forget that your wings are now over, and that they’re not coming back.

“Don’t stop. March on.”

No one cares, and no one is going to wait for you once you’ve fallen out of the flock. When one flies, they never care what’s going on below them because there’s plenty of space up there. You know this because you’ve seen it yourself, but you shouldn’t be hoping to go back up, you don’t belong there any more.

You don’t belong in the sky, nor in the ocean. You don’t even belong on the ground, you still have to look out for rocks and trees you may run into, animals that want to make your their next meal, and the mushy earth that’s trying to swallow you legs first.

The trees don’t love you, nor do the flowers. You get to love everything, and everyone, but getting love for yourself is impossible because you’re not worthy.

The ground, for now, is the safest of all.

Walk, walk, walk.

But don’t let the earth swallow you.

–

I won’t say you’re completely safe here, but it doesn’t matter. We both know that you don’t want to survive, you only want to stop thinking.

I know how you wouldn’t mind surviving, but you don’t want it as strongly as you wish something that’s not your own mistakes would just finish you off.

Is it even your right to wish to survive? What have you done to deserve it?

–

You need to stop thinking, kid. You need to stop ruining things in this utterly disgusting way of yours. Don’t interfere and everything is going to be fine.

You need to stop feeling, kid. You’re too much sticky emotion, it sickens me.

It sickens everyone who comes across you.

–

I am glad to tell you that with those changes, you have it all.

You have all you need to sedate these thoughts and send them into a long enough slumber of their own; maybe long enough for you to fix one single thing of everything you have destroyed.

I hope they die, the thoughts. I hope you die, too.

I know you do.

–

It’s okay if you keep existing a bit longer, you know. It’s fine, as long as you’re not hurting anyone but yourself.

You are aware of how wrong all of this is, you are aware of how wrong you are.

And yet, you still keep going. But I understand because I’m doing just the same. We can handle you some more. We can handle me some more, too.

–

I may be looking for hope, or for a meaning in you… and I have a strong feeling that I’m not going to find any.

But I hope I’m wrong.

I cry every single day hoping I’m wrong.

I wish you didn’t exist, but I guess I still can live with you a little longer.

Maybe you’d change, or maybe I’d change. I just hope any of this works, or that you can find your way. You have to use those changes for yourself.

I hope you surprise me like you always did… I’m not sure you can any more. I would be lying if I said that I believe in you.

Iif you don’t, it’s fine. I don’t care. You’re small. The world goes on with or without you, everyone’s world, even yours. And that, that is the best part. You never get to feel bad for others, only for yourself.

I am tired of you. Do you have any meaning or do you plan to remain a shadow forever?

–

It’s okay. All the changes are here. They are here.

Work, work, and never think.

Time will pass, and you will, too.

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